Zero Ch 3
by Lenay Ashligh
Summary: Carrie Steingard is lost in a world of pain, confusion, and Jealousy
1. Chapter 1

**2**

…**.****….**

**JON**

His heart was pounding out of his chest as he watched his sister slam her bedroom door. Tears were dripping down his face. Carrie never seemed to give him a chance; she would never try to hear him out. Listening to him was out of the question. It didn't matter how he felt. To Jon everything was all about Carrie, and to an extent he knew he was right. Everything was about Carrie; all he did was worry about her constantly, wanting to spend time with her, wanting to be friends even though he is suppose to be the adult in control. He tried so hard to convince himself that her anger would soon fade and they'd be friends like brothers and sisters should be, at least that's what he thought. Jon was as overprotective as he could get. Of course he wanted Carrie to have her freedom and she only did when he left for tour though. As soon as he arrived home he had to know where she was at all times, who she was with, and what she was doing. Time was a factor; she had to be home at 10 on the dot. Time with her was what he had wanted; he figured that if he was overprotective that her anger would subside, that maybe she would see that he really did love her. Carrie's anger was what drove him to insanity, and over protectiveness.

It killed him inside every time he heard the word hate come out of her mouth. Hate was an awful word; Jon never used it, simply because it would kill him inside if he ever did. Her words would haunt him at night while trying to sleep, even during the day he thought about them, the word hate never left his head as it was drilled into his head for five years now and coming from Carrie, the only family he really had left. Sure, the band was his family, but not like Carrie. Carrie was Jon's sister, he loved her and he did everything to show her that. Realization that she was an expert at ignoring him was not a problem, he didn't give up, and he couldn't she was his responsibility and he was going to do his best to make her the best she can be.

With tears rolling down his face he kicked the front door with a loud scream like a tyrant. Insanity drove him nuts, hate drove him nuts.

"Why God, why are allowing this to happen? WHY?" He screams while kicking the door once more.

The tears streaming down his face were creating a river.

"I can't do this anymore!"

Pain was too much; the only way to deal with it was music, it was all he had to hold on to besides God which he wasn't so sure of anymore. So there he was alone on the downstairs floor creating lyrics in his head, thinking about giving up on everything. Maybe it was the right thing to give up, if he did maybe Carrie would come around eventually, or maybe she just never will.

Jon rose from the floor and ran to his studio to write down some lyrics that were running through his head, lyrics about Carrie, and about giving up. It seemed like the only option left for him, he didn't want to be in pain anymore, and he was tired of being yelled at all the time. All he wanted to do was to show her how much he loved her. Those words left his mouth every time he saw her but she never listened. Carrie ignored him like he was a ghost, someone who didn't matter. Maybe he didn't matter, maybe he was useless. It wouldn't surprise him, after all his dad walked out on his mom when he was 16, always knowing that it could've been his fault.

"I love your mother very much" is what he always told Jon.

However, if he really loved her he wouldn't have walked out. His father, Paul was his hero, he looked too him for everything and then he woke up one morning and Paul was gone, there was nothing to be seen but his mother sitting quietly at the kitchen table, and Carrie watching television with her tiara on her head not saying a single word.

"Where's dad?" he said in a curious tone. He knew something was seriously wrong; his mother was never this quiet, she was the happy and talkative type, and now she was hushed. "Mom, where is Dad, I wanna show him something?" She looked at him with those hurt eyes; he could tell she was crying.

"Your father…isn't living here anymore honey, he left last night." She said as she pulled him aside so Carrie couldn't hear. What story did she tell Carrie, she was only 10? Was Carrie old enough to know that their dad had just abandoned them?

The whole conversation had rushed back to him in his studio like a rushing wind. Jon could never forgive his dad, not after he had lied to him all the time about how he loved his wife so dearly. Paul had lied to his son, and Jon hadn't talked to him since the night before he left. So much pain was inside his heart, he was screaming silently inside while writing his song ever so fast, and singing at the top of his lungs while thinking of Carrie, then his dad. The music stopped, and Carrie crept into the room standing next to him quietly.

"Hi." Carrie said in a hushed whisper.

"Hi."

"There's a dent in our door."

"Oh, okay thanks for letting me know." Jon silently mumbled when he knew the dent came from him kicking it. So immature of him it felt like.

"Yeah, well I'm gonna go to bed I guess, have fun doing whatever you were doing."

"Carrie." Jon stopped her in her tracks. "Goodnight, I love you."

Carrie ran out of the room and slammed his studio door shut ignoring him like she always had before. "God, give her good dreams tonight." Whispering while trying not to cry all over again, at least she didn't say I hate you.

The guitar was packed away, and papers were scattered everywhere as he turned off the lights, got a bottle of water and said another prayer for Carrie, praying for good dreams, not nightmares. Heading up the stairs he knew he couldn't give up on what was important to him, Carrie was all that was left, his only family. God had a plan, and it was bigger than anyone's wildest imagination. God was going to use Jon in this; he was going to grab a hold of Carrie's heart. Jon knew it to be true; he felt it in his heart. Life was a climb, a rollercoaster and he had to embrace every second of it praying and loving Carrie even if she ignored it.

Paul was a different story; Jon had already given up on him. He idolized his dad, but he had lived a lie and nothing else seemed to matter. Jon was angry with him. The fact that he had left Carrie when she was still so little, she still wore a tiara on her head from time to time in hopes of meeting a prince one day, and winning an Olympic Gold medal, she was such a happy little girl, always singing, always laughing. When Paul left, Carrie would cling to Jon all the time asking if he could watch her do her gymnastics, sing with her, or just be around her. He smiled at this but frowned because Carrie wasn't that little girl anymore, she was angry, and worst of all she hated him and he didn't even know why and that frightened him. He crept over her bedroom door to see that she was still awake.

"Hey!" Jon said as he had frightened her.

"Hi" she mumbled as she was trying to hide something. Jon moved closer to notice that her arm was full of blood.

"Carrie, you're bleeding."

"Oh yea I know, just picking a scab from earlier today. I fell."

"Ew, that's nasty!"

Carrie rolled her eyes. "Why are you in here? Checking up on me? Well don't, I'm fine."

"Carrie, I…" his voice trailed off somewhere in the distance

"What? I'm fine, just about to go to bed… just please leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you." Carrie whispered loudly and it seemed like she knew it had gotten to Jon. Jon tried to fight back the tears while wondering where the years had went when she had completely adored him, now everything was different as if he wasn't even allowed to breathe the same air as her. His heart was screaming, wanting so desperately to talk to his sister and have a friendship with her. There was a tint of hope but it was slowly fading.

"Night" Jon had slowly slipped out of her room and slammed his door shut. His tears flowed silently trying to control the anger but couldn't help but punch his mirror. His faith in God, love for music, and the love for his life was disintegrating. Jonathan Steingard was falling apart. Even though he did what he could to hide it, he couldn't always do it.


	2. Chapter 2

**2**

…**.****….**

**JON**

His heart was pounding out of his chest as he watched his sister slam her bedroom door. Tears were dripping down his face. Carrie never seemed to give him a chance; she would never try to hear him out. Listening to him was out of the question. It didn't matter how he felt. To Jon everything was all about Carrie, and to an extent he knew he was right. Everything was about Carrie; all he did was worry about her constantly, wanting to spend time with her, wanting to be friends even though he is suppose to be the adult in control. He tried so hard to convince himself that her anger would soon fade and they'd be friends like brothers and sisters should be, at least that's what he thought. Jon was as overprotective as he could get. Of course he wanted Carrie to have her freedom and she only did when he left for tour though. As soon as he arrived home he had to know where she was at all times, who she was with, and what she was doing. Time was a factor; she had to be home at 10 on the dot. Time with her was what he had wanted; he figured that if he was overprotective that her anger would subside, that maybe she would see that he really did love her. Carrie's anger was what drove him to insanity, and over protectiveness.

It killed him inside every time he heard the word hate come out of her mouth. Hate was an awful word; Jon never used it, simply because it would kill him inside if he ever did. Her words would haunt him at night while trying to sleep, even during the day he thought about them, the word hate never left his head as it was drilled into his head for five years now and coming from Carrie, the only family he really had left. Sure, the band was his family, but not like Carrie. Carrie was Jon's sister, he loved her and he did everything to show her that. Realization that she was an expert at ignoring him was not a problem, he didn't give up, and he couldn't she was his responsibility and he was going to do his best to make her the best she can be.

With tears rolling down his face he kicked the front door with a loud scream like a tyrant. Insanity drove him nuts, hate drove him nuts.

"Why God, why are allowing this to happen? WHY?" He screams while kicking the door once more.

The tears streaming down his face were creating a river.

"I can't do this anymore!"

Pain was too much; the only way to deal with it was music, it was all he had to hold on to besides God which he wasn't so sure of anymore. So there he was alone on the downstairs floor creating lyrics in his head, thinking about giving up on everything. Maybe it was the right thing to give up, if he did maybe Carrie would come around eventually, or maybe she just never will.

Jon rose from the floor and ran to his studio to write down some lyrics that were running through his head, lyrics about Carrie, and about giving up. It seemed like the only option left for him, he didn't want to be in pain anymore, and he was tired of being yelled at all the time. All he wanted to do was to show her how much he loved her. Those words left his mouth every time he saw her but she never listened. Carrie ignored him like he was a ghost, someone who didn't matter. Maybe he didn't matter, maybe he was useless. It wouldn't surprise him, after all his dad walked out on his mom when he was 16, always knowing that it could've been his fault.

"I love your mother very much" is what he always told Jon.

However, if he really loved her he wouldn't have walked out. His father, Paul was his hero, he looked too him for everything and then he woke up one morning and Paul was gone, there was nothing to be seen but his mother sitting quietly at the kitchen table, and Carrie watching television with her tiara on her head not saying a single word.

"Where's dad?" he said in a curious tone. He knew something was seriously wrong; his mother was never this quiet, she was the happy and talkative type, and now she was hushed. "Mom, where is Dad, I wanna show him something?" She looked at him with those hurt eyes; he could tell she was crying.

"Your father…isn't living here anymore honey, he left last night." She said as she pulled him aside so Carrie couldn't hear. What story did she tell Carrie, she was only 10? Was Carrie old enough to know that their dad had just abandoned them?

The whole conversation had rushed back to him in his studio like a rushing wind. Jon could never forgive his dad, not after he had lied to him all the time about how he loved his wife so dearly. Paul had lied to his son, and Jon hadn't talked to him since the night before he left. So much pain was inside his heart, he was screaming silently inside while writing his song ever so fast, and singing at the top of his lungs while thinking of Carrie, then his dad. The music stopped, and Carrie crept into the room standing next to him quietly.

"Hi." Carrie said in a hushed whisper.

"Hi."

"There's a dent in our door."

"Oh, okay thanks for letting me know." Jon silently mumbled when he knew the dent came from him kicking it. So immature of him it felt like.

"Yeah, well I'm gonna go to bed I guess, have fun doing whatever you were doing."

"Carrie." Jon stopped her in her tracks. "Goodnight, I love you."

Carrie ran out of the room and slammed his studio door shut ignoring him like she always had before. "God, give her good dreams tonight." Whispering while trying not to cry all over again, at least she didn't say I hate you.

The guitar was packed away, and papers were scattered everywhere as he turned off the lights, got a bottle of water and said another prayer for Carrie, praying for good dreams, not nightmares. Heading up the stairs he knew he couldn't give up on what was important to him, Carrie was all that was left, his only family. God had a plan, and it was bigger than anyone's wildest imagination. God was going to use Jon in this; he was going to grab a hold of Carrie's heart. Jon knew it to be true; he felt it in his heart. Life was a climb, a rollercoaster and he had to embrace every second of it praying and loving Carrie even if she ignored it.

Paul was a different story; Jon had already given up on him. He idolized his dad, but he had lived a lie and nothing else seemed to matter. Jon was angry with him. The fact that he had left Carrie when she was still so little, she still wore a tiara on her head from time to time in hopes of meeting a prince one day, and winning an Olympic Gold medal, she was such a happy little girl, always singing, always laughing. When Paul left, Carrie would cling to Jon all the time asking if he could watch her do her gymnastics, sing with her, or just be around her. He smiled at this but frowned because Carrie wasn't that little girl anymore, she was angry, and worst of all she hated him and he didn't even know why and that frightened him. He crept over her bedroom door to see that she was still awake.

"Hey!" Jon said as he had frightened her.

"Hi" she mumbled as she was trying to hide something. Jon moved closer to notice that her arm was full of blood.

"Carrie, you're bleeding."

"Oh yea I know, just picking a scab from earlier today. I fell."

"Ew, that's nasty!"

Carrie rolled her eyes. "Why are you in here? Checking up on me? Well don't, I'm fine."

"Carrie, I…" his voice trailed off somewhere in the distance

"What? I'm fine, just about to go to bed… just please leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you." Carrie whispered loudly and it seemed like she knew it had gotten to Jon. Jon tried to fight back the tears while wondering where the years had went when she had completely adored him, now everything was different as if he wasn't even allowed to breathe the same air as her. His heart was screaming, wanting so desperately to talk to his sister and have a friendship with her. There was a tint of hope but it was slowly fading.

"Night" Jon had slowly slipped out of her room and slammed his door shut. His tears flowed silently trying to control the anger but couldn't help but punch his mirror. His faith in God, love for music, and the love for his life was disintegrating. Jonathan Steingard was falling apart. Even though he did what he could to hide it, he couldn't always do it.


	3. Chapter 3

3

…**.****….**

CARRIE

Carrie's eyes were still closed as the Tennessee sunshine shined through her window, hearing her brother playing guitar in his studio which she was sure was right below her bedroom. She rolled over to look at her clock and realized she had slept in longer than usual. It was fine, it wasn't like she had anywhere to be, she had graduated from high school a few months ago and it was midsummer. She could awake whenever she felt like it but the guitar playing had awoken her and it was infuriating. Ripping off her sheets and grabbing a sweater so Jon couldn't see the cuts she had created from the night before, ran downstairs because she wanted to yell because music was her enemy for the most part. She hated music, it was what seemed like all Jon's life revolved around, and that's what he abandoned her to go do all the time. Music was one of the many reasons why she started to hate him so much, because her dad had left when she was still so little and her mother had died, he was all she had. Didn't Jon realize that Carrie needed him, as much as she hated to admit this she knew deep down she did need him, but it scared her. Him leaving again to go play shows was the most terrifying thing she had to face. Every time Jon had left she would cry in secret and convinced herself to hate him. It terrified her. What if he never came back? She always told him she hated him because inside she was still convincing herself. She loved him, she needed him but she couldn't admit that simple fact to anyone.

Pushing all of her thoughts aside she ripped open the studio door preparing to scream when she was interrupted by her brother.

"Oh, Good Morning little sister, I made you some breakfast." Jon just smiled.

"I'm not hungry." She lied.

"Well, sis you have to eat."

"Like you care?" she mumbled.

He put down his guitar and led her to the kitchen with the sweet aroma of pancakes filling the air. "Want a Pancake, there blueberry, your favorite?"

"I'm not hungry, I'm just gonna go for a walk."

"Oh, that sounds like fun. I'll go with you." Jon gives her a huge smile. "You should get ready, I'm excited now." He skipped back into his studio and started to play his guitar once more. Going out was her escape plan from Jon suffocating her now he was going with her just so he could embarrass her, something she did not want.

"Ugh!"

she stormed upstairs to get ready for a long exhausting walk with her selfish brother. Letting out a huge sigh she opened up her closet to find out what to wear. "I don't understand why he has to go with me, he's so frustrating." Her voice said a loud. Thoughts of her mother came rushing in. What if she was still here and Jon wasn't? Would life be easier? Would she have ever been exposed to men like she had been in the past? The last question she wasn't so sure of. Carrie exposed herself to men everyday just by the clothes that she wore, and every night she would give herself away to Xaviour. Was it screaming for attention? Maybe, but she didn't care. Her mother, Mary Ann was never coming back, even if she was, it didn't matter.

Carrie threw on a pair of short shorts with a small black tank top with a tight flannel, and dashed downstairs without brushing her long wavy brown hair. Jon would not approve of her clothes. Most of the time he would give her this long lecture about being modest, and saving herself for marriage, and normally she would just tune him out because clearly she hadn't done that. Carrie was probably the most impure, smuttiest girl that Jon knew, and he didn't even know it.

"Your guitar is really annoying, you know that?" Carrie said as she was standing at the door of Jon's studio.

"What in the world are you…Wearing?" Without saying a word Carrie grabbed him by the arm and dragged him outside.

"Can we get this walk over with please?"

"You're so revealing." Jon cringed.

"What's your point you can't go a day looking like a slob."

Jon stood there quiet while Carrie tried to drag him a long just to get the walk over with. As they started to walk Carrie's head went back to many thoughts about her brother, and why he did what he did. She wondered all the time why he loved music so much, all music ever did was destruct and make him leave.

"I want to stop by the guitar shop, it's still there right?"

"Well maybe you would know if you actually stayed home." Carrie said in a rough tone while Jon remained quiet looking at the sidewalk.

The walk seemed like it was taking centuries, and all Carrie wanted to do was go home, or be with Xaviour.

"It's still here!" Jon ran to the guitar shop to look inside the window. Carrie had never seen anyone so excited to see any kind of guitar. "Oh my goodness, Carrie look… isn't it beautiful?" He asks while pointing at the guitar in the window.

"Sure." She shrugged. She heard the sound of footsteps while looking at her brother outlandishly.

"Care bear!" A guy shouted from a short distance startling Carrie. Turning her heard knowing who it already was frightened her.

"Kaden?" She questioned.

"Hey, Kaden!" Jon chimed in.

"Jon, you should leave."

"I don't have to leave if I don't want to" Jon smiled vibrantly.

"Yes you do… please Jon, just go look at your precious guitar or something." Her tone was rough, but it escorted Jon away, far enough away where he could eavesdrop.

"What are you doing here?" Carrie said in a hushed whisper.

"I miss you Care bear." Kaden moved closer to Carrie as he whispered. Kaden petrified her, she wanted to scream. As Kaden moved closer, Carrie backed away.

"Go away Kaden, please. I haven't told anyone I promise, just leave me alone."

"Told anyone what? There's nothing to tell." Kaden reached into kiss her. Carrie pushed as hard as she could.

"GET OFF ME!"

"What's the harm in a simple kiss?"

"You are!"

"I would never hurt you care bear."

"You already have Kaden, now please just leave."

"Why do you want me to leave so bad, I just want to talk with you maybe over a cup of coffee."

"First of all I hate coffee, and second off all…" she hushed her tone. "You raped me."

"Sorry I couldn't hear you, must be the cars." Kaden tiptoed closer to Carrie barely touching her lips, she was breathing heavily wanting to make an escape, afraid he might attack her again, threaten to kill her again, maybe he would kill her. She could never walk into her friend Bella's house the same again. The night haunted her. Alcohol was inside of her as he took her upstairs to Bella's parents' room. He kissed her gently and then the rest was history. She struggled to fight free but she couldn't. Carrie was almost sure she was being attacked…again.

"Kaden, get off of me now!"

"I just wanna kiss you."

"Or maybe you just wanna rape me!" She said this loud enough where Jon could hear. His footsteps were as loud as a fast train passing by.

"WHAT?" Jon screamed. The whole town could've heard him. "You were…" his voice trailed off.

"Jon, I couldn't tell you." Carrie said in a frightened ruthless tone

"Let's go home." Jon pulled Carrie by the hand while directing his attention toward Kaden. "You better not lay a finger on her again." His tone was rough, and angry while pulling Carrie away with all of his might.

Why was it that she felt a sense of relief that Jon knew. Kaden was going to kill her soon, because Jon knew, that gave Kaden all the power. The memory was as clear as she remembered it.

"If you tell anyone what happened tonight, I'll just have to kill you."

Kaden's voice was like a ghost, always haunting her. Her heavy breathing couldn't catch up to how fast Jon was pulling her home, which wasn't her home, not anymore.

"Jon!" she raised her voice.

Jon and Carrie entered their home. Jon dropped his house key on the table and stopped and starred out the kitchen sink window. His breathing was heavy. "DANGIT, CARRIE!" he hit the sink as hard as he could. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm sorry." She mumbled.

"That's all you have to say?" Jon paced around the kitchen as Carrie's eyes were filling up with water.

"What else am I supposed to say?" Wiping the tears so Jon wouldn't notice, she mumbled once more.

"When did it happen?"

Tears were falling from Carrie's eyes. The memory haunted her. Was she ready to tell Jon the most haunting secret she's ever faced?

"About a year ago." She mouthed. She ran into the living room trying to hold back the tears.

"How could you allow this to happen?" He raised his voice. "How could you allow that dirty man to touch you, what were you thinking?"

"What dirty man touched her?" Xaviour interrupted.

"Xaviour!" Carrie ran to him with all of her strength, wiping away the tears.

"Carrie, I'm sorry for shouting, I'm just angry." Jon came up to comfort her while Carrie just pushed him away.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" she shouted.

"Carrie, what's going on?" Xaviour questioned.

"Xav, I was…um." Her heavy breathing scared her with tears rolling down her cheeks to create a river. It was silent while she was trying to think of something to say. Her heart was pounding out of her chest, she was terrified. The razor she mutilated herself with was in her room, the escape she longed for, it was so close but so far away. "Xav, I…." her voice trailed off once more.

"She was raped Xaviour." Jon spilled the ugly truth before Carrie could say a single word. Xaviour's eyes were hurt, scared, terrified, yet they looked relieved.

"Oh, well I have to go, let your brother help. I have nothing to say." Xaviour escaped out of the house into the distance.

"I hate you, how could you do that. You are selfish Jon, you can't think of others for just a few minutes can you? You are so stupid." Carrie shouted in his face.

"Carrie, I want to help you, please just let me. I'm gonna hurt Kaden. I can't believe he would do that to you."

"I deserved it Jon, you don't need to help me." Carrie ran to her room, grabbed her razor and cried herself to sleep, while drowning in her own pitiful sorrow. The nightmare didn't end in her sleep, it kept playing on and on in her memory. Terrified to scream, and afraid to wake up, Carrie knew it was never going to end.

Carrie's blue eyes opened wide in her messed up bed. It was late at night, and she had to come up with an escape plan. This house wasn't her home anymore, it didn't welcome her in. Her memory went back to the many times she had told Jon she had hated him. She didn't mean it, hating him was hard. Disliking him wasn't easy either, because she really did love him but she wasn't ready to tell or show him that. Jon did nothing but care about her but she didn't want to accept that. She couldn't accept the fact that Jon knew about her rape, it gave her more of an excuse to runaway, to show him she didn't need him even though she knew deep down she did more than anything. It was impossible to imagine her ever telling him because she could never forgive herself for hating him so much maybe that was okay. While probing all of her thoughts she was trying to think of where to escape. She couldn't go to the gym where she practices her gymnastics because that would be the first place Jon would look. Gymnastics was her first love, and the only thing she could count on. Giving it up would be the hardest thing to for her to do, but it had already let her go; there was no point of holding on anymore.

While contemplating places to run to she had decided to just run and not to look back. . Carrie rushed around her room quietly looking for a notepad and a pen. This was her chance to escape but what would Jon think? Carrie had to write him a note telling him not everything, but something. Her heart wanted to reach for her brother but it couldn't. Hating him was all she knew, him leaving her was all she knew. She had every right to be angry. Jon deserved to know what it feels like to be left alone, be abandoned, to have no one. A simple note would be the only memory he would have of her, and that was okay. Suicide was out of the question, but running was beautiful. "Forget about everything and runaway" She whispered a quote from one of her favorite Avril Lavigne songs. She grabbed the nearest pen and piece of paper that she could fine and began to write to her _perfect_ brother. Jon would wake up in the morning and Carrie would be gone just like her father did 9 years ago, she was repeating what she had hated the most but it didn't seem to matter. Freedom was screaming for her. Running was the answer.

As soon as she finished writing she tip toed into Jon's bedroom. Holding her breath she starred at his face. Jonathan was having nightmares, she could see it. She set the note with his name written in black ink on his night stand and vanished the house and ran as fast as possible. Jon was having a nightmare, but not all nightmares end when you wake up.


	4. Chapter 4

**4**

…**.****….**

**JON**

The birds were chirping happily as Jon awoke from his deep sleep of happy dreams filled with love, and meeting the girl he's always wanted to meet, but he knew dreams couldn't last forever. Ignoring his nightstand he put on a flannel and headed to Carrie's room to awake her from her dreams. He was hoping for a better day today, for an explanation to why she never told him about the rape before, for her to tell him she loved him, but that was just a dream. Carrie was his main concern which seemed to be all the time, she was what kept him going, what made him have faith but of course she could never realize that because hatred always left her mouth. All he ever wanted to hear was those four letter words but it seemed to be the faintest whisper that he could never hear.

"Hey Carrie, wake up I'm making some breakfast, and thinking we could go for a walk again." He whispered loudly as he opened her door and started to head downstairs. Whistling and rushing around the kitchen making Carrie's favorite breakfast which contained of Blueberry Pancakes, eggs, sausage, and fried apples. All he wanted to do was to make her happy and he was hoping to accomplish just that. Today was going to be a good day. Carrie was going to talk with him, explain everything, and Jon could live with that he had hoped. After what seemed to be about an hour of thinking and cooking the breakfast was done and Carrie had not showed up. A small frown flew across his face. Walking up the stairs to wake her once more he reaches the door to her enormous room that had the coolest purple and blue ball lights attached to her ceiling, bluish green walls, a television, 3 Avril Lavigne posters, and a massive collage of his sister and Xaviour, who Jon wasn't too fond of. Carrie had the master bedroom, while Jon just slept in the guestroom. While walking in he had noticed something strange. The bed was made up, and the room had no sign of Carrie. Jonathan started to hyperventilate wondering where in the world his baby sister could be.

"Carrie, I made breakfast!" He yelled throughout the house. No answer. "Carrie!" His voice was shaky. He ran frantically into his room to find his phone on his nightstand also finding a note that had JONATHAN nicely written. Out of curiosity he opened the note.

Jon,

I don't necessarily hate you, I just strongly dislike you. You leave me alone all the time to play your music or whatever bands do. It hurts Jon and it's like you're leaving and who knows if you're ever going to come back. Dad left and he never came back, I'm terrified you'll do the same. You don't have a clue what goes on in my life. Yes, I know I don't tell you but it's only because I know you don't pay attention. I was raped Jonathan and it kills me inside every single night. It's a constant nightmare that I'm reminded of. I know it hurt you but part of me doesn't care. You deserve it. I need to escape Jon. I won't be here when you wake up, maybe I am repeating what dad did but you need to know what it feels like to be abandoned because you abandon me all the time. Maybe you already know that feeling; I don't know that much about you to really care quite honestly. I don't know where I'm going or when I'm coming back, if I come back. Just know that I don't hate you. I'm just not ready to tell you I love you.

-Carrie

His knees were shaking terribly while his breathing grew heavy. The note fell to the floor a long with his phone. So now he was left alone…again. First his dad, then his mom, and now Carrie, when would it end? It had seemed like every little thing God had given to him was taken away. Did God hate him? Had God forgotten about him? Did he even care anymore? Most of his friends were out having fun partying and living for worldly thrills and it seemed as if everything was going great for them. All the while Jon was really trying to live a God-focused life and he was the one with the problems. Was he invisible? He could handle being invisible to the world, but being invisible to God?

Now Carrie was gone, and he had her to worry about once again. But something was different this time. He felt **nothing**. He was _numb_. If God wasn't real than what really mattered anyway? He'd already given God every part of his life, nothing was left. He had **nothing** to hold on to. What was he supposed to do now? Faith had to stay with him because death was the only other option and he couldn't do that to Carrie.

All these thoughts began to eat him alive beneath the surface. He would smile and pretend everything was okay, for Carrie. She didn't need any more stress. His body trembling walked downstairs to grab his car keys to go look for her, this time alone. His driving skills were shaky, swerving between cars almost getting hit. The insides of his body were screaming to be ripped out. The agony was too much. None like he had ever felt before. Carrie was slowly slipping away. Jon was losing the only family he had left. Steingard's had a way of escaping reality. They were experts besides Jon. Escaping was his worst subject, while it was Carrie's best.

The letter was also on his mind. Carrie abandoned him just like Paul had that December long ago. The thought of being compared to Paul was like a knife to his throat. Was that really what Jon did to Carrie every time he had to leave? The realization of not being a big part of Carrie's life like he should be had made him more unstable. Jonathan was the father figure and all she saw was the same action being repeated. _Abandonment._ Threw up filled his mouth just thinking about it. When she was raped he wasn't there, prom he wasn't there, graduation he wasn't there, her first date with Xaviour he wasn't there. It was no wonder why Carrie had "hated" him so much. He simply was just never there. This time he wasn't going to disappoint her; he was going to find her and be the best brother he could be even if that meant quitting music for good.

It was a long day of silence and searching. Carrie was nowhere to be found. Jon had looked at the gym where she trained for the Olympics, which seemed to be the place she'd go to just escape but no one there had seen her in weeks. Everywhere he could possibly think to find her, he had no luck. With his hair messed up, not even being touched, and his sad blue eyes he had dropped the keys on the table containing the cold breakfast he had made from that morning. The Bible wasn't touched that night, instead he sat in the family room as still as a statue flipping through channels on the television that was never watched. The sound of a cell phone ringing couldn't even startle him. His body weakened, it was numb as his eyes slowly closed to the sound of the 11 O'clock news covering the Stanley cup playoffs, and the hoedown that upcoming weekend. Happy things, in one ear and out the other because Jon became careless, and numb. Music couldn't even save this hopeless December.

Days passed and still no sign of Carrie. The house was in the worst shape it had ever been in. Food was left all over the kitchen, even the breakfast he had made Carrie was still sitting there cold and untouched. The TV would play all day, while his phone buzzed, he would just press ignore and walk away. It was a Sunday; he usually would go to church but today was different. He still had the clothes on from the day Carrie left. The white V-neck was wrinkled and his black sweats were about 6 years old, he couldn't believe they even still fit him. Sleep was lacking to the point where black circles were forming underneath his eyes. His $100 shades covered them. He knew he would break the promise of pretending to smile, it was impossible to smile. Carrie girl had vanished. The house was nothing without her.

Today the searching was going to continue and he prayed for a miracle. Prayer was the last thing on his mind lately but he thought maybe God would answer but he doubted. The car keys were in his hands ready to go, as he walked out of the house heading for the mail box. Usually he wouldn't be caught dead looking like a homeless bum who didn't have anything left to give but his Carrie girl was missing and for the first time since she left he felt tears streaming down his cheeks. The numbness was dying down, he could feel. Pain had discovered him in his driveway. Fighting back the tears he opened the mail box and skimmed through until he saw something that caught his eye. The envelope was addressed to Carrie, and the sender was Cherie Lindskog. The name wasn't familiar. Being Carrie's overprotected brother opened the envelope.

We are sad to announce the death of Xaviour Judah Lindskog. He died Friday July 14. He closed the letter as he had realized that Xaviour was Carrie's boyfriend. The guy she was in love with, the one person who made her somewhat happy. What was going to happen? He knew how Carrie would react to the news. It frightened him. How did Xaviour die? Why was this happening to Carrie? He couldn't stand to see her in pain, and now he had to try. He never liked Xaviour especially when he knew that Xaviour never really loved her. Those green eyes of his always showed lust not love. He knew Carrie had sex with him as much as she could. He wasn't oblivious to what was going on in her life. In fact he knew everything, he played stalker. Every day he hacked into her Facebook account to figure out her life. Of course culpability rushed through his veins once he thought about it, but he felt that is was the only way to know her, but also Xaviour. The thought of Carrie giving herself away to a man who didn't even love her made him cringe. The fact that he knew what was going on behind Carrie's back but he didn't have the nerve to tell her, it freaked him. It frightened him that he knew he was being a horrible brother, just a stubborn insane, overprotective, horrible brother. He was a train wreck.

"Jonathan Steingard?" A male voice shouted. He looked up deciding if he should speak for the first time in a week or not. His mouth was dry as it could be as he went to speak but nothing came out. "It's Micah, remember me?" That name was familiar but why would he care. Carrie girls boyfriend is dead, and she's God knows where. Micah looked very familiar though. He had black shaggy hair with facial hair. A tattoo was on his forearm, and he seemed to have good style, something Jon would like, but why would that matter now? Jon's life was falling apart beneath his feet. Trying to suppress the tears he ignored Micah and got into his car.

"Jon, what's wrong man?" he shouted while running to his black fusion. Jon was trying to recollect his thoughts. He didn't want to talk to this guy, he wanted to find Carrie and comfort her if she was still alive. He had hoped with everything he had she was going to return soon. Micah was making him late for his mission; he was aggravated in the worst way. While trying to drive away as fast as he could, Micah jumped into the car and Jon couldn't stop. He was speeding as fast as he could. "What's wrong man?" Micah asked him once again.

"Nothing" he mumbled. Micah could hardly hear his words they were so faint. Jon's phone went off and the consideration of answering it entered his mind. Maybe he was ready to break the silence, and feel pain. He checked the caller ID and Carrie's name showed up. Was this real? Was Carrie calling him? She was alive, she had to be. What if she was just calling to tell him he was never going to see her again, or what if he actually wanted to come home? Pushing the talk button with anticipation he let out a funny noise of "hello". I guess that's what you get when you're recluse for a week. Micah gave an amusing look.

"Come get me please!" Carrie was bawling on the phone. Jonathan Steingard had the happiest expression on his face just knowing Carrie wanted to be home. "I NEED YOU… Please Jon. I'm sorry I left, just come get me please!"

"I'm on my way Carrie girl, just tell me where. I'll be there in a heartbeat!" Ecstatic was his voice.

"I'm in Franklin, at Mc Creary's. Please Jon hurry up!"

"\I'm on my way!" He hung up the phone and started speeding his way to Franklin. Micah looked perplexed and scared.

"What's going on Jon, man I just want to help a hero of mine?"

"Nothing, don't worry. I got my sister back… I hope." He responded to the question. Micah looked at him puzzled by his answer but remained silent. "Is Mc Creary's a bar?" Jon asked.

"I'm not sure to be honest, I live in California. I'm just down here visiting family."

Jon didn't respond. His blue eyes were sore underneath from his lack of sleep. The $100 shades he recently purchased covered them. Jon loved spending money. It was the one thing he was good at. Clothes were his thing; he probably owned well over 1000 clothing items. Shopping was one of his favorite things to do, and he wasn't sure if that was weird or just plain creepy but he didn't care. Maybe that was his one escape and he didn't realize it.

Carrie was spotted while Jon was arriving with Micah still in the passenger's seat. Jon pressed the brake pedal as fast as he could. Without even thinking he jumped out and within seconds holding Carrie with all of his strength. Her blue eyes were bloodshot; her clothes were ripped up with beer bottles broken on the concrete. The black tank top couldn't even cover cleavage. Her dark hair was knotted and oily. She looked like she had survived a terrible fire and an earthquake at the same time. Clearly Carrie was drunk by the number of bottles busted up at her side.

"Jo…Jon?" She stumbled while asking the question.

"Carrie girl it's me!" Jon's arms were still holding her with all his might.

"He's…he's gone." Carrie sounded exhausted. Jon figured out who she was referring to. He wondered how she knew all ready.

"I know girl, I know." It scared him to confirm what she had said. "Let's get you home." While helping her inside the car Micah had given a nasty look.

"Is she drunk?" he asked. Jon shot him an evil glare. "Well it would explain why she's wearing that… she must've lost her actual shirt." This had made Jon fluster with anger. Micah was a totally stranger, which was why he had wondered why he let him tag along. There was no right to talk about his Carrie girl like that.

"Do you want to walk home?" Jon's voice had gotten coarse. "You don't know her or what she's been through so I suggest you stop talking you understand?" Micah grew silent and nodded his head.

The ride home was the sound of Carrie heaving into a waste basket while Micah made smart comments. Jon was fuming with anger and frustration. As soon as they arrived home Jon had helped Carrie inside and led her to a couch so she could sleep.

"Where am I?" she mumbled while letting out a swear word. Jon ignored her.

"I don't know you are why I even allowed you to tag along with me but you need to leave." Jon had ordered Micah out.

"Jon, I am terribly sorry…it just caught me off guard that you would have a sister who acts like…that." He said in disgust.

"You know, I never liked you… please leave!" Jon slams the door in his face. A sigh of relief hit him. Carrie was home, she was alive. He had hated who his sister had become but she was alright and for the first time he had talked to God in a long while. "Thank you Jesus!" While singing a worship song he had headed into his studio for the night praising Him. Maybe God hadn't given up on him; maybe he really did love unconditionally.

_Maybe…_


End file.
